They're Coming To Take Me Away...

I love conspiracy theories. Even more, I love conspiracy theorists.

They amuse me.

Granted, the world in which we live functions, in large, on the basis of realpolitik. However, not every action is gilded with dual purpose shrouded in secrecy.

The few I have paid attention to lately:

This morning, I watched Texas Monthly Talks, the interview show moderated by Evan Smith. Gore Vidal was the guest. I think Vidal is perhaps one of the finest fiction writers in the world. For sure, he is the finest author of historical fiction. And now I know why - reality is as far-fetched a concept to him as gardening on the surface of Neptune is to me.

To begin, all conspiracies must be rooted with a hint of truthfulness. For example, my theories about the JFK assassination would be invalid were John Fitzgerald still with us today.

Anyway, Gore filibustered for 30 minutes how Bush has not yet been elected to the office of president. He, however, has successfully stolen 2 consecutive presidential elections with the help of the secretaries-of-state of Florida in 2000 and Ohio in 2004.

That's the what.

Here's the how: The New York Times and Washington Post, two newspapers (in particular but not exclusively) who never endorsed his candidacy, opposed him on almost every major policy initiative, and have thrown journalistic roadblocks as often as possible, co-conspired with Halliburton, Enron, and the royal Saudi family to make sure the Bush Dynasty remained intact.

The why: The two newspapers are more concerned with corporate profits than First Amendment independence. A Republican administration will guarantee a healthy financial return for the two newspaper's shareholders. Apparently, his distant cousin's administration would not.

At a minimum, I am thankful this particular conspiracy underscores the ability of the Republicans to better advance the economy than the Democrats.

Next, can I also deduce that never having been elected to office, Bush is still constitutionally eligible to run for president in 2008?

The next conspiracy theory (as read in an letter to the editor in the Statesman):

Supposedly, Speaker Craddick accurately foresaw losing to Brian McCall in last Tuesday's race for Speaker.

So, he enlisted his lieutenant, Jim Pitts, to enter the Speaker's race, hijack McCall's candidacy and steal his pledges, and then drop out of the race at the last minute, thereby ensuring Craddick retains the gavel.

This one actually made me chuckle out loud.

Here's what turned it into gale laughter: Pitts would not want to risk his chairmanship on such a quixotic pursuit; according to this theory, he didn't even want the speakership.

So, Speaker Craddick and his cluster of corporate cronies (I'm into alliteration today) secretly transferred several hundreds of thousands of dollars (I guess in cash) to Representative Pitts to reward him for his block on McCall.

And you thought there were lots of zeroes in the bribe...

The last one:

Kobe recently changed jersey numbers from 8 to 24. Which, by the way, was my old high school jersey (which, trust me, becomes relevant in a few paragraphs).

According to Kobe, he made the switch to signify the beginning of the second half of his career. As such, he returned to the number that first put him on the path to the NBA.

Instead, the anti-Kobe theorists think the switch was coerced by Laker's marketing executives wanting to sell even more Kobe jerseys to make up for his descended endorsement contracts.

This is actually one I cannot instantaneously dismiss. Basketball players are as every much businessman as they are athletes. While they care about the traditional numbers in the point, rebound, and assist columns, they equally care about the other numbers in the checking, savings, and investment accounts.

However, I also believe that athletes are creatures of superstition and habit. Ask any former high school athlete to recite the number that comes up first in his head: his old jersey number or his wife's birthday.

On the court, the jersey number becomes one's sole identification. As such, it's easy to let a jersey number become your primary off-court identifier. [About once a month, we go to Randy White's BBQ just down the road. The place is replete with Cowboy's paraphernalia - particularly that of Dorsett, Aikman, and White. Most of the pictures contain an illegible scribble. The only legible portion is a "HOF" followed with a number and year of induction.]

That's why I find it hard to believe, but not impossible, that the jersey switch was made with fiduciary self-interest as the motivating factor.

To finish, I just got done watching Syriana again. This is one quasi conspiracy theory I'm ready to purchase since I've already put down a very large down payment.