Cheaper Than A Psychiatrist

File this under "If You Can Keep Your Wits About You While All Others Are Losing Theirs".

Ordering a sandwich at Subway isn't on the same level of difficulty as say, translating cuneiform into Ancient Greek then into Latin; but many are trying to make them the same.

So, if you need a primer, read ahead. Or better yet, stay at home and master your right versus left since you probably don't know the difference between the two either. But if you must venture out for sustenance, please let me in line before you.

Subway, as the name implies, sells a larger percentage of meated sandwiches versus other food items.

Since you've stood in line for a good length of time, you've had time to look at the daily specials or the regular standing items. For sure you've passed the chip stand. I know, it's bad placement on their part because you're thinking sandwich and not chips at this point. But clear the mechanism and grab a chip bag. You're not totally committed at this point. You can always exchange for something else provided you don't actually open the chip bag.

Chances are you've known what you're gonna order from the time you got out of your car. Not to say you can't change your mind; by no means should you impulse shop at a place as important as a deli. But, deciding on a meal shouldn't take more time than its consumption. But if it does, let's hope there's a reservation, jacket and tie, and a sommelier involved.

The sandwich specialist behind the counter won't know what you want until you tell him or her. Be prepared to order in the following manner: what kind of meat you want, whether it's a half-sandwich or a full-sandwich. They come in the 6" or 12" variety. Last, tell the individual what kind of bread you want.

As your sandwich makes its way down the food preparation line, follow it. Look through the plastic partition and anticipate what's coming up next. Be prepared with which vegetables you may like on your sandwich. Then onto condiments. Don't be scared. They won't put anything on your sandwich you don't tell them to do. Likewise, don't be overly picky and go all Torquemada on the guy because he put a little to much chipotle sauce on your sandwich.

You can also have your sandwich toasted or not toasted. No pressure. They're just trying to be helpful and give you options. It's not a Manchurian Candidate mind-washing.

Next, you must decide if you want the combination with the drink or just the sandwich and chips as stand-alone items. Ask yourself, "Am I thirsty?" and "Do I already have a drink at home/the office/wherever it is I'll consume this sandwich?". If you are able to answer yes then no, chances are you'll get a drink. This is where you'll have to assert some independence and choose your carbonated beverage of choice and how much ice to chill your beverage. Don't be a jerk and fill up the cup, gulp it down, then fill it up again - all while camped out in front of the beverage bin. Unless you're eating there; then it's socially acceptable to get a refill or two.

Now, to wrap end your sandwich ordering experience, you may have to pay for your food. If they allow you to just walk out without purchase, all the better. But as this rarely happens, be prepared with cash or a debit/credit card. You should have noticed the credit card icons posted on the front door as you walked in and should be prepared in the event they don't accept your expired Diner's Card with no magnetic strip.

Once you're paid for and received your food items, please leave as quickly as possible. You've already wasted too much of my precious time.