What's The Statute of Limitations for Stupidity?

I think I have an inkling of an idea how Maureen Dowd and Samuel Alito might feel.

But first: our office is doing Secret Santa gifts this week. I've received a gift a day from an anonymous colleague. The gifts are fun, small and inexpensive. I'm not sure what my other co-workers have received thus far, but I've received a shoe polish kit, a key chain with a mini-light, and a precision screwdriver set.

I know my Secret Santa is a female older than myself. As I would have no idea what to buy for an older female, I must assume that an older female has no idea what to buy me. So, I get gifts that are stereotypical masculine in nature. Not to sound callous because I do, indeed, have a need for all of my gifts. However, I am not a stereotypical male. I would have loved to receive gifts of chocolate or other snacks like the other women have been receiving.

I've also been thinking that the days remaining until Christmas are almost in the single digits. As usual, I haven't purchased a single gift yet. That is not too unusual. It's an annual tradition of mine to aimlessly roam the malls when the hours remaining until Christmas are in the single digits.

Then last night, I recalled an essay I wrote as a college underclassman that combined those two thoughts - differences in men and women and late Christmas shopping. I dragged it out this morning and had a good laugh at my own expense.

It was written from a time in my life when I was fiercely independent. I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and promised myself that I would never enter another. I convinced myself that marriage was a luxury and not a necessity. I kept many female friends but wouldn't allow myself to become emotionally attached to any of them.

Fast forward to the present - Maureen Dowd, columnist for the New York Times, recently published a book titled "Are Men Necessary?". I have only read excerpts and reviews so I cannot offer an informed opinion of her book. However, it does pose an interesting question - how men and women not only live on the same planet together, they often live in the same houses with each other.

Also in the news is Alito, Bush's latest nominee to the Supreme Court. Members of Congress have been demanding memos, opinions, letters, or any other written materials Judge Alito contributed ideas to. While many memos are recent, many of were written decades ago. Oftentimes in the judicial nomination process, even papers from college are brought out to find out how the nominee's mind worked during that period of life.

While I'm not particularly embarrassed at the opinions I held during college, I am eternally grateful that my perspective of the world has changed since I was in my early twenties. Although my thought process may not be too different, the results often are. Ask me in twenty years if I still agree 100% with what I wrote in 2005, and I hope to answer "I sure hope not!"

Still, I accept full accountability for what I wrote years ago. So be it.

In that spirit, I'm not waiting for a congressional subpoena to share this with you. I can laugh at it now because while it still has a ring of truth to it, I can distance myself enough to wonder just exactly what was I thinking a dozen years ago. Enjoy:


Christmas Shopping, Blue Bell, and Chemical Difference in Men and Women

Written October 30, 1993

David Hope's use of episodic writing in "Crossings" allows him to draw upon several themes to provide one general statement for his collection of essays. At first glance, his collection appears to have no apparent direction or connection. The sub-themes of love, friendship, and nature appear to be independent of each other. Only after further and deeper review of "Crossings" can one conclude that it does indeed have a connection which serves the purpose of the main theme: "Women are better off hiking with women, men with men."

Hiking, in this case, is a specific activity named in the essay. However, one cannot assume that hiking is the only activity in which the sexes would be separated. Making a general statement, Hope concludes that women should bond with women, men with men. The reasons, based upon his several observations, are due to the chemical and psychological makeup of the two sexes. These differences are noticeably present in other facets of life, however.

One such activity is basketball. I have been raised on basketball. My first love was not a cute blonde with eyes the color of the sea and lips the color of a fire engine. It was a round leather ball with the word "Spalding" stamped on it. The ball gave me many pleasures a girl could not provide we with. I could play with the ball well into the night. Its sole existence was for me to command it, to guide it.

My Spalding slept with me at night. It did not nag me. I never heard any complaints from it. In conclusion, the ball was always there when I needed it.

This love of sports has even had a dramatic effect on my memory. For this, I must keep two mental calendars. The Sports Calendar versus the Real Life Calendar. Let me share some historical events from both calendars.

Most people think of the year 1979 as the year Jimmy Carter lost the White House to Ronald Reagan. A new era known as Reaganomics was born. For me, 1979 was the year that Magic Johnson battled Larry Bird in the NCAA basketball championship. The game, won by Johnson's Michigan State, still retains the highest viewing audience for a collegiate championship game.

It does not stop with basketball. My memory also extends to other sports. 1969 was for many the year that Neil Armstrong made his famous Moon walk. Not for me. That was the year the Miracle Mets, led by pitcher Tom Seaver, beat the Baltimore Orioles in the World Series.

1986 was the year the highly scandalous selling of arms to Iran became known to the public. Irangate, as it was known, was the biggest scandal in government since Nixon's Watergate. It also received national news so prominent that several people involved emerged national heroes. 1986 was also the year that the Mets won another World Series. Led by pitcher Dwight Gooden, the Mets won their division by 21 ½ games, winning a total of 108 out of 162. A fielding error by Red Sox first baseman Bill Buckner assured the Mets their place in greatness.

Because many females cannot communicate with me on this level, our general statement remains true. But, are hiking and sports the only two activities in which men and women should be separated? No. As all rules are meant to be broken, there has to be some exceptions. Megan Crisp was one of them.

Meggie, as we called her, was the type of girl I have always dreamed about. She was cute, athletic, had a wonderful personality, not to mention she could hit the twenty-foot jump shot. She had long hair that she kept braided so it would not get in the way as she dribbled down the court. The only reason I never proposed was simple. She was ten years old. Meggie is the daughter of my basketball coach in high school. The age difference was not an obstacle in us forming a wonderful friendship, however.

The memories that I remember the most vividly are those of Meggie and me in the bleachers waiting for the contests to start. We often talked basketball. We didnÂ’t just talk it - we discussed, analyzed, critiqued, and debated the sport. She was a basketball genius, her knowledge easily surpassing her age. Her knowledge, taught to her by her dad, came from several years of observing and training. He taught her well.

Meggie will always remain in my mind as The Girl Who Could Talk Hoop. Girls this rare should be remembered.

Hope concluded that there are certain "social, psychological, and daily functional physiological differences" between men and women. Men like to piss in the woods and women do not. Simple as it may seem, the debate goes deeper than that. It is a matter of Civilization versus The Missing Link. Civilization, Hope speculates, was discovered by women feeling uncomfortable in a manÂ’s world of hunting, pissing, and bragging. Wanting a different environment, rooms with tile were built. Leaping dolphins were painted. Plumbing was installed. In an instant, Civilization was born.

Readers Digest, in an attempt to further expose the differences of the sexes, published an essay in the October 1993 issue. The essay, entitled "How Normal Are You?" gives many facts and figures to support Hope's theme of sex separation due to uncivilized men. Men are reported to be more likely to drink straight from the bottle and eat ice cream directly from the container. Twice as many men will ride a cab for a distance of two blocks or less, as opposed to walking. Twenty two percent of men procrastinate until the final days of Christmas to buy their presents, as opposed to nine percent of women.

While these figures are humorous and silly, there are also more sobering facts. The Heritage Foundation reports that in 1960, 1,523,000 marriages were initiated while 393,000 marriages were terminated. Thirty years later, 2,433,000 marriages were performed while 1,168,000 divorces were granted.

Maybe lazy men hailing cabs to Christmas shop on December 24th two blocks away while eating Blue Bell directly from the container is more of a problem that we think.

Branching off, Hope also touches upon another theme to consider. Choosing a partner in a leisure activity, he asserts, is as "particular and personal an activity as choosing a career or a lover." I agree. In my life, one thing has remained constant - my basketball buddies. There is no surprise when a call is made to play basketball. It is met seriously and with urgency.

Brian, Chris, and I have roamed the blacktops together for many years now. Even though I am forced to be a biological brother to Chris, it is of our own free will that we play together. Brian, on the other hand, is different. Our friendship started on the Varsity basketball team in high school. The friendship has remained through several girlfriends and presidential terms. We have come to terms that he is Independent and I am Republican. He thinks that Ronald Reagan should be behind bars; I remain firm that he was a savior to the American people.

The fact remains simple: I chose Brian and Chris on their ability to shoot, pass, and dribble. I will be forced to choose a female companion on the simple fact that I cannot reproduce by myself.

Hope submitted the observation (and it is one I subscribe to) that men and women are different creatures. Even though we have the same species name, we are different animals. We were brought up differently, we act differently, and we hike differently. We cannot deny it, change it, or avoid it. Hate it or like it, we must accept it.

Call me uncivilized, cynical, and unrealistic. At least call me male.